" I am angry because......" Crying out the pain.

Did any of you see Oprah this past week when she was interviewing a lady who does counseling with overweight children and showing clips of the counciling? Please forgive me if I don't get all the facts straight as I didn't watch much of it. My husband must of recorded it as it was late evening when he turned it on. I was busy doing something but was listening and occasionally glancing at the screen. In a large room there were parents and over weight children seated in a circle. A child would come to the middle and tell his/her parent why they are angry. Burst of rage, frustration, fear, angry, loneliness spilled out and into the soul of those listening. Very emotional stuff. Too emotional for me. Too close to home for me. Needless to say I found something to do in another room.

I remember distinctly the first time I was caught eating to sooth over my stressful/troubled day. I was in 3rd grade. I won't go into details but I can even remember where I was hiding and what I was getting ready to eat (no surprise it was carbs).

I didn't know it then but that was a fix that kept me sane on the outside and slowly killed me on the inside.

I am not saying every person that needs to loose weight is in the above category. I would dare say that some are. I could write forever on the dark dance I have had with food.

Last week my 1st stepfather died. He had sexually abused me. The obituary read that he was loved by all and was respected as a godly Christian man. If I could stand in the circle I would scream.... "I am angry because I knew you were a bad person yet you made me say that I loved you. I am angry that the one time you did a fatherly gesture it ended up that you were only doing it because you knew you would be alone with me. For goodness sakes I was a vulnerable child. I am angry because you got to run away to a new life. I am angry that you didn't suffer more than you did. I am angry that you had a church family that said you were so awesome when you weren't."

Well..... so it goes. I am 47 and still have some anger and some issues that I am not at all interested in dealing with. BUT the greatest thing is that I know who I am. I know that my anger towards this man will be very short lived and the only reason I even thought about him was because I heard he had died and then looked up his obituary (yes - that was a stupid thing to do!) I just need to process it a bit AND then set it aside. BUT the second greatest thing is that I didn't feel the need to stuff down the feelings with food. YUP - cool huh?

Jump Rope

I did a bit of research regarding jump roping - I was relieved to see how we need to work up to 3 minutes. I totally dislike jump ing rope but I do want to get up to 3 minutes. Guess it is a pride thing. BUT my knees are killing me.

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Those new to jump roping should plan to master the skill of jumping rope first, before thinking of it as a conditioning tool. A beginner can start with short jump rope sessions several times each week, working up to jumping for 3-5 minutes three times a week. A boxer uses a jump rope as a tool for conditioning and a boxing round is 3 minutes, so 3 minute rounds are something good to strive for.

As the body gets conditioned a workout might look like this:

1. Jump Rope for 3 minutes

2. Rest for 60 seconds

3. Complete 5 rounds

Read more: http://fitness.suite101.com/article.cfm/jump_rope_for_exercise#ixzz0JYqJWiTO&C

Discombobulated

I totally spaced that this was Wednesday. I missed my appointment with my trainer. I had Mon and Tues off because of company and didn't exercise those days. Made me mad I missed out on a trainer session.

I lost 4 oz. Big deal!!! SO back to paying extra attention to portions etc. I found a web site where I can log everything I eat and it gives me everything - calories, fat, carbs , protein. I like it and it makes it easier to see what I am eating. It also calculates the calories I use with what type of exercise that I do.

On I go - middle of 4th week.

1 1/2 Hours of Exercise

Unlike the cartoon I actually did 1 1/2 hours of physical exercise. Cardio (I can do 4 miles in a hour now), weights and working out doors.

I have finally figured out what works for me on food. I have a bowl that holds one cup (since I had a gastric bypass in 2001 that is okay for me to do just one cup). I eat from that 5 times a day. Only problem is I still get way more fruit than vegies. I am going to go to V8 juice for the vegies. With my IBS I can eat a big salad about 2 -3 times a week and then that is it. I love winter squash and summer squash but Peggy was saying winter squash is a carb. DANG IT!

It feels good to start feeling stronger with muscles etc.

I hope you all are doing ok. Cheering you on!

Emotions this weekend

My dad dies 2 years ago. I have been told I have not put closer on it. Can you ever? Maybe it is because I have lived so far away from home since I was 15. Anyhow. Will deal with the emotions I feel. I am sad today because I am not in California enjoying my god daughter.

It is those emotions that I can not stuff down with my drug of choice - food.

I hate feeling sad - I hate feeling helpless to change reality of family dynamics.

PS: There was cake and ice cream last night. I had some mint tea instead.

Yummy Treat

Guess what I found was a good treat? I froze grapes in small cups then poured a titch of sprite over them and ate them that way So very good!

Counting

I am finding it hard to really count up the calories of what I have eaten. I do manage to write down what I eat and I kinda have an idea about what it might be. I do know by looking at the list if I have over eaten or not.

I almost wish that I can just tell someone what I want to eat for the week and then they can tell me how much I get everyday.

As we get better at measuring etc maybe it will all fall into place.

Any good suggestions? What is the easiest for you?

Tired

I am so tired this morning. When I am tired I want my comfor foods along with my HUGE mug of coffee.

I did forgo the comfort food but went ahead and drank my coffee. So far it hasn't worked though.

I am proud that I didn't eat what I wanted! Hate to ruin all that hard exercise.

Will make out menus today as I have a 4 day weekend and don't want to blow it. Want to make healthy decisions.

It Still Boggles My Mind

Potion Control - there are those words again. It amazes me how small correct serving portions actually are. If you look at the chart below you will see how huge the portions are now days compared to 20 years ago. No wonder we struggle with weight in this country. I still mourn the passing of large servings though but not the calories that are left off my hips!

I think I traumatized my son

I wanted before and after pictures - even though 2 weeks had all ready passed. I dressed in my biking shorts and tank top. My son was the first one I saw so I handed him the camera and asked him to shoot away - front, back and side. I hope he doesn't keep that picture in his mind forever. Poor boy.

test

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Wishing doesn't make it so

Some friends and I were talking today about being blessed with the "trial" of weight loss.

Wishing we didn't face this challenge doesn't make it so.

I am sure there are people that would trade their trials for our trials.

The good part about this 100 Day Heart Challenge is that we can use camaraderie and humor as we learn how to eat healthier, taking the time for us to set aside time to exercise our bodies and hearts and prepare and enjoy eating healthier foods.

Week 3 - Weigh In

So I have only lost 2 lbs. BUT since I have had some really bad eating days I am happy for those two pounds.

I am learning a few things. I need to count my calories, portions, etc better. I have concentrated more on remembering to write everything down and when I read back on it I am not seeing it match what the dietitian says I ought to be eating.

I will try and plan meals several days ahead so I know what I am going to eat.

When I want to emotionally eat I have to give it over to the good Lord. I can go out side and start pulling weeds, open my Bible and read stories of those who overcame.

My mother-in-law got to our house last night. My night time ritual of my own quiet time is rather hard to do when sleeping on the love sit in the main room of the house. TV blaring, mother-in-law talking through it the whole time. She has so much that runs around in that cute head of hers and she voices it all so thus the never ending talking. I like my quiet! Talk about wanting to stuff food down my face to calm all my stress! This morning I remembered a text from the Bible that says we should be content in all things - situations etc. Great time to learn how to put this text into practice while not stress eating.

Goals for this week:

1. Eat the alotted number of protiens, carbs, and fats in my book

2. Portion Control - measure everything I eat

3. Work ouot 1 1/2 hours every day I need to add that extra 1/2 hour

4. Work out more with weights

Portion Sizes

Yesterday was a great day for my exercise routine but alas my portion sizes continue to be TOO BIG I must work on getting them much smaller.

From the much loved size of the elephant down to the size of the little ole mouse.

It is difficult on weekends and on my days house too eat in a planned manner. I will need to write out what I am going to eat on my days off and hope that helps.

Today I will measure (I hate that word) all my food and count every calorie to make sure I following the eating plan that the dietitian laid out for me.

The Gravity of the Situation

HA! It is so true.

I know that exercise won't firm up all the loose skin from decades of weight gain and loss.

Thought for the day - Thank goodness I do not live in a nudist colony!

Aroma's and Sight's

I wonder if by the time these two got done arguing if all the dieters on the block had raided the vehicles. I would have hit the doughnut truck.

Since I learned that we have to exercise 1 1/2 hours each day to loose weight (I am still cursing that piece of knowledge) I took the dogs on a walk last night after I got home. Walking by someones home a delicious smell wafted under my twitching nose. I can assure you it wasn't vegetables!

So - was my mouth watering because I was reminded of a food that tastes delicious or because I was hungry? Often the smell and sight of good food can trick us into thinking we are hungry when in reality we just want the taste.

Must remember that...... think before I bite.

Silly Face

Family Reunions - What ya going to do? You want to look good, you know your clothes are tighter than they have been in a long time. BUT - you have to show up. It is only family - they love you just the way you are BUT you don't love yourself. Shame seems to drive your every thought and each time the camera is on you you wonder if it will catch the extra rolls that now appear under every shirt you own. Disgusted you chide yourself for letting your weight control your every thought once again.

Thus the funny face - thus the cropping of the photo. So is it all about external beauty? Is that what this heart challenge all about? It isn't a get thin become beautiful challenge. Thus the fight to remember that it is health that will let you enjoy life not constant dieting and hating self because of failing.

So folks - the real me has roles, flabby thighs and a desire to become healthy and strong WITHOUT dieting but by exercising and making healthy choice because I am worth it! Now - where is that 7 layer chocolate cake? JUST KIDDING

Breaking away from that "D" word

"No - I can't have that - I am on a diet" If I had a dime for every time I have said that or I have heard that I wouldn't be here typing this! I would be on some exotic island with a daily trainer and dietitian/chef.

We had cake at a baby shower today. I ate a bite. NOT because I am on a diet but because I wanted to save my fat calories for later on.

Again it is a choice not a diet.

Making it all work

I love the magazines that have all these ideas of healthy eating tips. Using applesauce in recipes instead of oil, sauteing in 1/2 water and 1/2 oil and so and so forth. THEN at the back of the magazine are all these fat laden, sugar filled, gooey, luscious looking deserts! What the heck???????????????? So.... the trick is to find healthy deserts to satisfy that sweet tooth I get at the end of every day. My favorite so far is Greek yogurt with a bit of honey and the frozen mixed fruit (thawed a bit) strawberries, peaches, mango and pineapple.

Carbs

When I was younger (16 or 17) I went on a diet where you could only eat 60 carbs a day. I can not remember if it worked or not. I just remember what a pain it was to figure out the carbs.

So... I can eat carbs on the healthy eating plan. About 60 per meal. Since I am a vegetarian I can eat beans, lentils, egg whites, soybeans, low fat dairy. I am adding to that baked potato with skins, whole grain brain (with about 14 - 16 grams of fiber in it). I love my carbs so if I am setting up a life long pattern of eating healthy then I have to add my potatoes and bread. I can salsa, low fat cottage cheese or Greek yogurt to top my potato with. Tis all about eating healthy.

Crash and Burn

Before joining the HC I had gotten my body use to exercising. I just needed to up the number of days exercised to 6 instead of 3 - 4. That went good last week. I still need to get more weight lifting etc in.

Food wise - now that is a different story! Last week started off good but ended in a crash and burn. I would have to say my crash and burn was worse than normal. We were told by the dietitian - Jenny (Is that right? Think so.) to try and shorten our turn around time. So if we screw up try and get right back into it instead of waiting several days, weeks or months.

So..................... I am back on the band wagon today. I use favorite scriptures to remind me that God is in control and not my appetite. Last night and this morning did a study on His strength that is available. Nice to know I can rely on His and not mine!

Each one of us that is in the HC has our own methods of conquering whatever it is that is causing us to be unhealthy. It is great to share our thoughts and methods as a way of helping each other learn new habits as we travel the road to a healthier heart.