" I am angry because......" Crying out the pain.

Did any of you see Oprah this past week when she was interviewing a lady who does counseling with overweight children and showing clips of the counciling? Please forgive me if I don't get all the facts straight as I didn't watch much of it. My husband must of recorded it as it was late evening when he turned it on. I was busy doing something but was listening and occasionally glancing at the screen. In a large room there were parents and over weight children seated in a circle. A child would come to the middle and tell his/her parent why they are angry. Burst of rage, frustration, fear, angry, loneliness spilled out and into the soul of those listening. Very emotional stuff. Too emotional for me. Too close to home for me. Needless to say I found something to do in another room.

I remember distinctly the first time I was caught eating to sooth over my stressful/troubled day. I was in 3rd grade. I won't go into details but I can even remember where I was hiding and what I was getting ready to eat (no surprise it was carbs).

I didn't know it then but that was a fix that kept me sane on the outside and slowly killed me on the inside.

I am not saying every person that needs to loose weight is in the above category. I would dare say that some are. I could write forever on the dark dance I have had with food.

Last week my 1st stepfather died. He had sexually abused me. The obituary read that he was loved by all and was respected as a godly Christian man. If I could stand in the circle I would scream.... "I am angry because I knew you were a bad person yet you made me say that I loved you. I am angry that the one time you did a fatherly gesture it ended up that you were only doing it because you knew you would be alone with me. For goodness sakes I was a vulnerable child. I am angry because you got to run away to a new life. I am angry that you didn't suffer more than you did. I am angry that you had a church family that said you were so awesome when you weren't."

Well..... so it goes. I am 47 and still have some anger and some issues that I am not at all interested in dealing with. BUT the greatest thing is that I know who I am. I know that my anger towards this man will be very short lived and the only reason I even thought about him was because I heard he had died and then looked up his obituary (yes - that was a stupid thing to do!) I just need to process it a bit AND then set it aside. BUT the second greatest thing is that I didn't feel the need to stuff down the feelings with food. YUP - cool huh?